Better to Have Loved and Lost
by dame-alyssa
Summary: **SPOILER SEASON 5 - ABANDON ALL HOPE
1. Chapter 1

Dean searched quietly around the room for his clothes. He had hoped he would sleep tonight, forget everything, relax and just sleep. Maybe even dream something nice for a change, especially after the last few hours. He smiled at the memory, plenty of nice dream material there! But when he closed his eyes he only saw what he always did, faces, pain, death, blood, loss, grief – her. Fragmented memories or pure imagined fear, the result was always the same. A voice from the bed brought him from his thoughts and stopped him midway through pulling on his pants.

"Going already sugar? You've still got an hour or so."

"Don't call me sugar." Dean said quietly as he resumed dressing.

"Was it not to your liking? I can do something different if you prefer?" He looked at the bed and smiled. She sat with her head to one side, an eyebrow raised in question.

"I bet you can." He said. She was pretty, petite with a homely face framed by long dark hair that flowed seductively over her shoulders and across the nicest set of... Dean shook his head and looked away, stopping his thoughts in their tracks. "But I can't stay." She watched him from the bed as he finished dressing and laced his boots. When he had finished, Dean pulled his wallet from his jacket and began counting the money. He pulled out a substantial amount and walked over to place it on the night stand. She eyed the money suspiciously. Men like him didn't drop cash like that, unless they wanted something weird, and she didn't do weird.

"What's that for?" She asked, still looking at the money.

"For the rest of the night. Stay and sleep." Dean answered, heading to the door.

"What?" Her head swung to him, eyes wide with confusion.

"One of us should get a decent night's sleep." He gestured towards the bed. "Get some rest."

"It's Kara." Dean stopped, hand on the door handle, and looked back at her. "My name's Kara. You didn't ask when you came in and I thought if you came back," her eyes slid away from his and she shrugged. "Maybe you would ask for me." The words were spoken in a business tone but when she looked back at him her eyes were full of hope.

"Yeah. Maybe." He said. "Well, goodnight Kara." He nodded slightly to her as he opened the door and stepped into the hall. "Sleep well." And then he was gone, closing the door gently behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

He stepped out into the chilly street and paused briefly as he shrugged deeper into his jacket. The Impala was just on the corner but he wasn't ready to go to her yet. He turned away and walked towards the river that ran along the outskirts of the town. It had been weeks since Ellen and Jo had died and he had barely slept since, even less than he normally did. He had tried all of his normal methods, booze, women, even lying in the Impala but none of them had given him more than a couple hours rest, if that. Maybe a walk in the fresh air would help him sleep. He shook his head slightly at how douche baggy that sounded.

"See what you've driven me to woman?" he thought. "I'm frigging power walking!" Jo's face flashed in his mind, her features alight with humour as she laughed. His hand went to his chest as his heart squeezed at the thought of her, his breath catching in his throat. She was never far from his thoughts but when she appeared so vividly like that, it still felt like a stake being driven through him. He pushed the image from his mind, trying to bury the feeling.

He had lost friends and family before, hell he had held Sammy in his arms when he had died, but even the devastation he had felt then was nothing compared to what he felt now. At first he thought it was because there was no way to bring them back, Jo and Ellen. He had options when Sammy died but there was no demon deal, no angel favour that would be able to restore them. Now he realised it was more than that, more than just simple grief at their death. There was a finality, an emptiness to the feeling that scared him. It was as though a piece of him was missing, like Jo had taken something of him with her when she died.

The truth was he loved Jo, had loved her from the first day they met, but it had taken him until the moment she faced death to fully realise. That was what ate him up inside, kept him awake at night. It wasn't the grief, it was the guilt and regret. He had been so consumed by his own self-centred pursuits that he had failed to see what was right in front of him. He had been too afraid to see it. He thought he was protecting her by staying away, but it only made things more dangerous for her. She had been wide open to enemy attack, but it was her willingness to go to him, to join his fights, that was the real danger and that was what got her in the end. He should have been with her to protect her, to keep her safe, out of the fight as much as possible.

Dean had reached the river and stared across the water, not really seeing it, resting his hands on the railing. It was useless thinking being with Jo would have kept her safe. Everyone he cared about ended up hurt, or dead. The simple fact that he loved them put them in danger. It was like a curse, like he was destined to be alone.

"Is that part of your plan too? Huh?" He pushed away from the rail in frustration. "Are you going to take everyone I love away from me? Are you going to make me so broken I say 'Yes' out of desperation?" His voice had risen as he spoken so he was yelling now. "Is that what you want, you bastards? You took her from me for that? You killed her as part of your stupid destiny crap? HUH?" He kicked the rail as he spoke the last word. "She didn't deserve that, she didn't deserve to die! She was innocent. You are supposed to be good, you are supposed to protect the innocent!" He was attacking the railing in earnest now, each blow emphasising his words. "She didn't deserve that! You took her from me and I want her back! You hear me? I WANT HER BACK!" Dean screamed with all the yearning and desperation of someone with nothing left to lose. He punched and kicked the railing with all of his strength, putting all of his emotions into each blow. All of his grief, all of his anger – at himself and the world – all of his sorrow, guilt, loneliness, regret, all of it went into his frenzied attacks and savage screaming. Tears welled in his eyes blurring his vision and streamed down his face.

When the railing finally disintegrated, Dean fell to his knees sobbing uncontrollably. He grabbed at his chest as his heart ached with grief. The pain of it was worse than anything he had felt before, like his heart was being cut from him in tiny pieces.

"Please." He whispered through ragged sobs. "Please, I can't..." He choked on the words. "I just want her back. I need her." He sat back against the remaining railing, knees drawn to his chest rocking slightly. "I just want her back." The words barely passed his lips as he let grief and sorrow over take him.


	3. Chapter 3

It seemed an eternity before Dean was finally still. The occasional wave of grief still went through him, but his mind was mostly calm. He felt suspended in space and time, not entirely sure he even existed anymore.

"Dean." Jo's voice floated into his consciousness. She sounded so close, so real, he must really be wrecked to be hallucinating. "Hey." A shove to his shoulder brought his eyes instantly open. Jo was sitting next to him, her beautiful face looking at him with a slightly questioning expression.

"Am I dead?" He asked confused.

"No dumb –ass, you're dreaming."

"So you're not real then. Good."

"Oh I'm real alright." Jo flashed a brilliant smile at him. "I'm here to haunt your ass."

"What?" Dean asked in alarm. "Jo, you can't! You have to cross over! Otherwise you'll be stuck here forever and you'll become a pissed off spirit and I'll have to hunt you and..." He trailed off as Jo started laughing at him. "What's so funny?"

"I'm not going to become a pissed off spirit, Dean. I did cross over, they sent me back, to you."

"What? Who sent you back?" He was getting more confused as the conversation went on. "And why?" Jo shrugged looking upwards.

"Them. The angels. They need you Dean, and you're no good to them in the state you are in. They sent me back to try and get your head back in the game." She paused and looked away from him. "They want me to convince you to say 'Yes', but if you do, I really will haunt you angry spirit style." He smiled a little, she was still as defiant as ever.

"If you're not going to do what they want, why are you here?"

She looked back at him, eyes filled with compassion. "You can't keep going the way you are Dean, keeping everything in, blaming yourself for what happened. It will kill you. You need to move on, to keep fighting and stop those sons of bitches."

"How am I supposed to keep fighting? I can't lose anyone else."

"You'll lose everyone if you don't." She paused briefly, surveying Dean. "It wasn't your fault you know, us dying."

"But I could have stopped it, I should have protected you."

Jo shook her head. "We chose this, Dean. I chose to protect you and Mom chose to stay with me. We did it for you, so you can keep fighting. I did it, because I love you."

"Jo." He started to speak but the words caught in his throat. He was crying again but he didn't care. She reached up and wiped the tears from his cheek, resting her hand against his skin. He closed his eyes savouring the touch he had longed for. "I'm so sorry, Jo." She shushed him, pulling him gently to rest his head on her shoulder.

"I know, but there is nothing to be sorry for. I would do it again if I was given the choice, because you can stop this. It won't be easy. It'll almost be apocalyptic," Dean chuckled. "But I know you can stop them. You and Sam, you'll take them down, you always do. If not for yourself, do it for me, so my life – death – was worth something." They sat in silence, Dean resting his head on Jo's shoulder as she stroked his hair. After sometime Dean whispered "Don't leave me."

"I won't. I just found you, I'm not going to lose you again."

As they sat Dean started to feel a warmth and peace he hadn't felt for a long time, maybe had never felt. He still hurt, but having Jo near him, even in spirit, it was bearable. "Jo?" Dean mumbled on the edge of sleep.

"Yeah?"

"I love you too." She smiled and kissed the top of his head, holding him close as he drifted into unconsciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

A firm hand on Dean's shoulder made him jerk his head, snapping him back to the present. The flashlight in his face momentarily obscured the security guard peering at him.

"You can't sleep here buddy. Gotta move along."

"Yeah, sorry." Dean rose slowly to his feet, his muscles stiff from cold and fatigue. He nodded to the guard as he made to leave.

"Hey, I hope it gets better, whatever it is."

Dean smiled weakly. "Thanks." He walked away slowly, limping slightly as his body protested against being forced into action. He didn't mind taking his time though, he was in no hurry to go back. The peace he had felt with Jo was still with him, her embrace still warm on his body and he wanted to hold onto it for as long as he could. He went over the encounter again and again as he walked. It would take more than a dream, however real, for Dean to forgive himself, but he could feel a change all the same. It still hurt to think of her, but now it felt like the kind that could eventually heal, and when he thought that she had loved him too, a little piece of him fell back into place. The gaping hole he had felt before was still there, but it seemed a little smaller somehow and not so jagged around the edges.

He realised now how lost he had felt, wandering blindly through the darkness, not caring what happened to him, just trying to escape the pain. Now he had his compass back, his guiding star to light the way. He smiled a little, she had always been that for him without even knowing, the light that kept him going and reassured him he was on the right path. She was right, he did need to keep fighting, those angel bastards needed to get the hell off his planet – literally! The enormity of what he faced still scared him and the prospect of losing anyone else, he couldn't bear to think about. But he would keep going, for her. Hopefully he could borrow some of her strength until he regained his own. At least he knew he wouldn't be alone in this, Sammy, Cas and Bobby would be there of course, but even without them, Jo would be with him.

The Impala came into view as he rounded the corner. Dean had reached the hotel where he had left Kara and he stopped looking up at the windows. He wondered if she was still there, still alone. He pictured her asleep, peaceful. Maybe he would be able to sleep tonight after all. He took a step towards the hotel as the image of Kara changed to Jo, his own body curled against her for comfort. He stopped midstride shaking his head, laughing ruefully. "Oh this is going to be awkward." Dean took one last look at the hotel before turning and heading to the Impala, still chuckling to himself.


End file.
